Dear Miriam,

This might sound a bit petty but I would be interested in your take on it.

My husband and I welcomed our first baby six months ago. He is the first grandchild on both sides so, as you can imagine, there was great excitement altogether when he arrived.

As a first-time mother, I do appreciate the support, especially when my husband is farming and also working off farm

I’m living in a different county from my own mother as I moved to my husband’s home place and, unfortunately, I don’t see her as much as I would if I was near home. This means that my mother-in-law has been more hands on.

As a first-time mother, I do appreciate the support, especially when my husband is farming and also working off farm. It means I can get a shower or run to town if I have a job to do and know that the baby is in safe hands. However, what drives me mad are little throwaway comments that she will make, which I feel undermine what I am doing.

For instance, if I take him out for a walk on a frosty day, even though I have him wrapped up perfectly well, she will invariably pass a comment like: “Is he not perished from the cold?”

Or since starting him on solids, she has been making comments that I should be giving him a bit of gravy on the vegetables as they must be “tasteless otherwise”.

My husband says that she does not mean any harm and not to take any notice

I know that these are only silly little things but I find that they are starting to get under my skin. My husband says that she does not mean any harm and not to take any notice but that’s easy for him to say as he is not the one listening to the comments.

Again, I do appreciate all of her support and I understand that she is trying to help. I also can’t afford to fall out with her. But I’m just afraid that I will snap at her one of the days. What would you advise?

First-time mother, Leinster

Dear First-time mother,

Thank you for your email. I completely understand how these comments would get under your skin.

The early months of motherhood can be overwhelming, especially when you are living far from your own family.

It is great that your mother-in-law is on hand, but I can understand that it might feel a bit claustrophobic too

With COVID, you probably have not had access to the same supports or outlets you would have had previously, such as parent and baby groups. It is great that your mother-in-law is on hand, but I can understand that it might feel a bit claustrophobic too.

In that kind of environment, it is easy to see how yet another comment about gravy could eventually set off World War III!

I’m not sure if she is the type that could take some constructive feedback when it comes to keeping her advice to herself if she knew that it was upsetting you. If she was open to that, perhaps your husband could have a quiet word with her or you could explain how it makes you feel – even if you stress that you know that is not her intention.

If you think that might cause more issues, however, it might be better to view these comments as well-meaning but, ultimately, nothing that should cause you any angst. Remember that you absolutely know what is best for your baby and take confidence in your own ability.

There is no need to be drawn in or feel like you have to explain yourself any further

So if she makes a comment about the gravy, you can just have a simple answer like: “Thanks very much X but that is the advice these days” and just leave it at that. There is no need to be drawn in or feel like you have to explain yourself any further. Hopefully in time she will get the message.

If it was an option, it might also be a good idea to look at getting another person to babysit occasionally, just so that you both get a break from each other. Ultimately, I’m sure she loves her grandson and just wants to help but I think if you remember that you are doing a great job, these comments will lose their power. CL

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