Dear Miriam,

I hope this email finds you well. My first cousin is due to get married at the end of October. Initially, she would have been planning a big day with up to 200 invited, which would have included our extended family. But as you can well imagine, due to the current COVID restrictions, she had to make the tough call between postponing the wedding until next year, or going ahead with a much scaled back guest list.

Given the uncertainty of how things will be in 2021, she has decided to go ahead with the original date, but with a reduced guest list. This means that all of the first cousins (bar one, who is a bridesmaid, as they are very close) are all off the list now, though the aunts and uncles will still be there thankfully.

I’ve put the feelers out on WhatsApp and I know that one of the cousins is going to give the usual gift regardless

I completely understand why I’m no longer invited and feel very sorry that she has had to make this decision and give up the big day she had hoped for. But I’m just wondering Miriam – what is the situation now with a wedding gift? Usually, I would give cash for a family wedding, as I know how expensive these things can be. But obviously, I’m not going to be attending now and I don’t have to worry about “covering” my meal in that sense.

Others are not going to give anything at all as far as I know

I’ve put the feelers out on WhatsApp and I know that one of the cousins is going to give the usual gift regardless (about €100 per head in our family) but that seems a bit much to me when I’m not attending, and not exactly flush at the moment myself. Others are not going to give anything at all as far as I know. I’m not sure what to do to be honest. There is no rulebook for this sort of situation. That’s why any advice that you might have would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks again for taking the time to read my email.

Jennifer, Munster

Dear Jennifer,

Thank you for getting in touch. I’m not sure if the wedding etiquette guides have caught up with the changing pace of COVID as yet! But I’ll give it a go regardless.

It must have been very disappointing for your cousin to have to scale back her long-planned wedding day.

Obviously, there is no law that you have to give any wedding gift at all

But I’m guessing that she and her spouse-to-be have decided that the most important thing, as far as they are concerned, is to just get married and they are going to do their best in the circumstances. I really hope that they have a lovely day after what must have been a stressful and uncertain time.

Obviously, there is no law that you have to give any wedding gift at all. But at the same time, I think it would be nice to mark the day, especially as you assume that you would have been invited if we were living in “normal” times.

All you need then I would think is a nice card and a thoughtful message wishing them both the very best for the future

That does not have to necessarily be with a cash gift. Something like a bottle of bubbly or a lunch voucher for their favourite restaurant could be a nice gesture, or if a few of the cousins are on the fence about what to do, you could club together and pool your resources to get the newly-weds a night away somewhere special in Ireland (as I’m going to assume that any exotic honeymoon plans are going to be on hold for the foreseeable future). All you need then I would think is a nice card and a thoughtful message wishing them both the very best for the future.

Again, there are no rules around this, but I think it would probably be a shame to let the day go by without marking it in some fashion, if it’s not too much of a financial stretch.

I hope this is in someway helpful to you in making up your mind about what to do. Take care.

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