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Dear Miriam,
My mother passed away earlier this year. My father passed two years previously. While I’m in my early 40s, I was still living at home, as I’m not married or in a relationship. I would not say that I was my parents’ carer as they were very independent, but obviously I cared deeply for them both and I was very close to them. I miss them terribly.
When my mother passed away, my friends rallied round and I really appreciated that. However, as the weeks and months have gone by, even people I would have thought were my closest friends have stopped mentioning my parents, or asking how I’m doing with it. Maybe it’s because my parents were a good age and it’s the natural order of things. But it’s like people expect me to be “over it” and getting on with my life.
I am getting on with life Miriam – but that does not mean that I don’t get sad or lonely. I think this time of year it’s that bit harder too. November is such a miserable month, and then you are coming into Christmas, with all of the focus on family and traditions. My brother lives on the farm with his wife and children in their own home, so I do have relations nearby, and they are great. But it’s still hard.
To be honest Miriam, I feel a bit let down by my friends. I know they have their own families and life is very busy for them; but is it too much to expect a text checking in or an invite for a walk or a coffee?
Or maybe I’m expecting too much of people and I need to let go of that, or continue to be disappointed. What do you think?
Sarah, Munster
Dear Sarah,
Thank you for your email. First of all, I would like to say that I am very sorry for the loss of your mother and father. No matter what age they were, they were your parents, and you were their child. It’s the first relationship that you had in your own life, and one of the most significant that any of us will ever have. To lose both parents within two years of each other must have been very difficult. The fact that you were living with your parents too has meant that it has also been a loss of your way of life. So that’s the first thing to remember: it is a huge bereavement in many senses, and it should not be underestimated or dismissed.
I understand too that you feel that maybe your friends have forgotten what you have been through. I don’t think that people forget as such or that they don’t care; but they do get wrapped up in their own lives and responsibilities, despite their best intentions. In an ideal world, of course, they would be taking the initiative to text or check in. But we don’t live in an ideal world and sometimes it can help if we are a little more open about how we are feeling and reaching out for the support that we would like.
How would you feel about texting one or two of your good friends to say: “Hi X, I hope you are well. I’m finding the loss of Mam and Dad a bit difficult at the moment with the lead-up to Christmas. Would you be free for a walk or a chat some day?” Would that be something you might be comfortable doing? I think it would be very helpful.
Lean in to that family support too, especially in the runup to Christmas. Be gentle and kind to yourself, without pressure or expectation. It might be a good idea at some point to consider some bereavement counselling, if you feel you need that extra support.
I don’t know if anybody ever “gets over” grief, but we can learn to live with it, and live well again. Your parents’ loving legacy survives through you. Take strength and courage from that and from them. I wish you the very best of luck.
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