Irish Mammy: the plot thickens

The story so far: mammy’s second daughter Jennifer is getting married to Declan. Declan is a bit odd. Mammy has accepted that but the straw that is currently straining her spine is the nature of the wedding plans. It seems Declan has planned a Wedding Summit. The celebrant will be an inspirational guru, and latterly Declan’s life coach, Leon St James. It’s taking place in a unit in the James Joyce industrial estate near the M50. Declan says it will “disrupt our whole concept of what a wedding is”. Jennifer says she’s “handling it” but it’s “complicated” … Mammy needs a shoulder to talk to.

“Disruption, Sally. I’ll give him disruption. Disruptive used to mean being bold in class and you’d be made face the wall. Do you remember, Sally?

“I do, Ann. My Francie was always facing the wall. I think, to be honest with you, it affected his eyesight because he never had that squint before he went to school. Ah Francie never got a fair deal I think myself. The headmaster never took to him. I’ll always remember poor Francie coming home crying because John Joe Kearney got sweets for his homework and there was none for Francie. You see the thing was that …”

And she was off.

I had asked Sally to come over after finding out about the wedding. She can be hard work at times because her own list of troubles is as long as your arm. But when you want a good wallow, Sally’s the woman to confirm your worst fears. You just have to manage her right. Francie Junior is still living with her. In fact, I should have called him. If anyone’d know about Life Coaches and weddings in industrial estates, it’d be Francie. He’s as odd as they come but he’d also have a fairly definite opinion on conspiracies and cults. And he has a girlfriend now! That one that was playing the half-naked pagan dancer in his Kilsudgeon tourist video? Well, it turned out he met her on that website Nottheshabbiest.com. It’s a sort of website for people who’d be more ‘country’. “If Tinder met Ireland’s Own” was how Deirdre explained it to me.

Sally was talking to me.

“And then, of course,he might be one of these ‘not without my children’ fellas, Ann, you know. All’d be fine and the next thing he’s gone off home to Libya and the poor woman left after him. But you should ring his mother anyway”

“I don’t think Declan will be running off to Libya, Sally, but what was the last thing you said?”

“Why don’t you ring the mother, Ann? Shur if they’re paying for the wedding, maybe she has a thing or two to say about it.”

She was useful for something, Sally. I listened a bit more to her going on about how Francie Senior had had terrible wind before he died. I don’t know how she got on to that and I sort of hurried her out the door.

I had to take a few breaths before ringing Desdemona. She’s no joke, that woman. With her own business. The one that sells the toys for adults. You know, the … sex ones.

“I suppose you’ll be looking for them now this Christmas, will you Ann?” Himself said to me last week. “That’s this year’s Paw Patrol.”

Desdemona gave me a big welcome on the phone.

“Ann, how ARE you? We were just saying we should have ye up to stay. You know we’ve plenty of room?

It sounded like a dig but it wasn’t, in fairness to Desdemona. I suppose a woman who sells them yokes wouldn’t have much time for that kind of nonsense. And I’m dying to see the house.

“I’m grand Desdemona. We’d love to come up I’m sure. Listen, what do you make of this wedding at all? I know I shouldn’t interfere but in the nameagod …

“I know, Ann, it certainly wouldn’t be our choice, I can tell you. But that’s the young people these days. They all have their own ideas. Me and Phil got married in the North. Did I tell you that? His mother thought I was awful common because I could change the oil in a car. I was always tinkering with gadgets. I suppose that’s how I ended up where I am now. Although it’s different oil haha.

You certainly get a different type of chat with Desdemona than Sally.

“But, if you don’t mind me saying Desdemona, as ye are helping out, you know, financially with the wedding, would you have any influence on it?

“We’re not paying for it at all Ann. Where did you get that idea?

….

“Ann?”

“Oh I’m sorry Desdemona. I must have got the wrong end of the stick.”

“Declan says he is paying for the whole lot. Although where he’s getting the money from … look I’m just happy he’s demonstrating a bit of initiative.”

Initiative. That’s one word for it. Lies is another word.

What do I do now? CL