Dear Miriam,

I’m seeing a girl from a nearby town and I am mad about her. She is kind, caring and, even though she does not come from a farm background, she loves the land.

There is just one thing that I am a bit concerned about. She has a brother who has special needs and is absolutely devoted to him. He still lives at home but the parents are getting on in years and my guess is that eventually my girlfriend will be the one caring for him.

While it’s still early days, I’m hoping this relationship might go the distance, but if we move in together or get married, does that mean that her brother will come and live with us? I’m afraid to ask and, to be honest, I’m not sure if I would really like the answer. I know how selfish that makes me sound – and maybe I am – but that’s how I feel. I have never really had contact with anybody with special needs and I find it hard to know what to say or do when I’m around her brother. I never imagined that when I’d meet the girl of my dreams I might be taking on a brother as well.

I’m afraid to say anything in case I lose her, but it’s on my mind. I’d appreciate your advice.

Leinster Farmer

Dear Leinster Farmer,

I suspect that when most people first meet the man or woman of their dreams, they don’t expect a lot of things, such as what might happen if serious illness knocks on their door, but it is how we get through these things together that is the true test of a relationship.

When you describe your girlfriend, you talk about how kind she is, and obviously her love for her brother is part of what makes her special. I’m sure she tells you how important he is to her as well and that she sees him as a complete and unique individual – not just somebody with “needs”.

I’m not berating you for how you feel. If your relationship continues, her brother is going to be a part of your life, and if you don’t know what might be involved, that can be daunting. What I might suggest at this stage then is spending some quality time with your girlfriend and her brother to get to know him in his own right. You might be surprised.

If things progress, have an honest conversation about the future that you both envisage, including the care of her brother and how that might be managed. If you still struggle to accept the situation, perhaps it’s not the right relationship for either of you. But hopefully love will find a way to make it work for all three of you. Good luck.

A Reader Writes

In response to ‘My husband doesn’t want me to work’, you have to be married to a farmer to know where this young woman is coming from. I know exactly where she is coming from.

Farmers should remain bachelors because they are married to their cattle and land, and you, the good woman, ‘just get on with it’.

He continues to do as he had been doing for years, but the woman, on the other hand, starts a new life single-handedly. Nothing can prepare you for the shock, the loneliness and the same old boring stuff, over and over.

It is more than a bath and a nice walk and “talking to oneself” that this lady needs. Get back to work and get a life for yourself and make him collect the children and realise that he has a new life. If he refuses to change, get out now while you are young because it will get 100 times worse.

I am speaking from experience. You have to do this for yourself and also for your children as they will be very quick to pick up on your unhappiness and this could lead to other problems down the way.

Go back to work and don’t feel guilty about doing so. He is not suffering from guilt. Good luck.

A grandmother (bitter)