‘Over the years, I have unwittingly formed a girl gang in my own home'

We love International Women’s Day here on the farm, but I should also explain that, in our house, every day has the potential to feel like International Women’s Day (depending on how all the “women” in the house are getting along at any given moment).

Over the years, I have unwittingly formed a girl gang in my own home. As our daughters get older and smarter, they and I have formed a pretty formidable team. I have experienced this in my professional life, too – when a group of determined, smart and passionate women work together, there is very little that can stand in their way.

The problem is, my poor aul husband often has no chance against us. We collectively know his every weakness.

The other night, after the children went to bed, he was complaining about how the girls were “grilling him” about the birthdays of family members. You see, they know he can’t hear them when he is watching television. They also know that, while he is very organised in work, I mostly organise his life.

They also know he, like so many other dads out there, sometimes has difficulty remembering birthdays. So they were quizzing him, first on the birthdays of his siblings, nieces and nephews, and then on their own birthdays. Sure enough, they caught him out.

“It’s like they’re ganging up on me,” he said later that night. “I can’t help not knowing birthdays. There must be a scientific term for that.”

“There is a term for it,” I responded. “It’s a psychological term called ‘weaponised incompetence’.”

I don’t think he was expecting that response. I think most people who use weaponised incompetence in their personal lives or careers probably don’t feel that they are doing anything wrong. But like everything in life, knowledge is power, and as a wife, I feel it’s my duty to call things out as I see them.

If you aren’t sure what it means, weaponised incompetence is when someone – usually a spouse, partner or co-worker – pretends to be incapable of something in order to get out of a task. My husband, for example, often talks about how he is a “terrible cook”.

I’m not sure there is such a thing as a “terrible cook”, but there are definitely people who don’t care about cooking and do their best to avoid it.

There is a term for it, it’s a psychological term called ‘weaponised incompetence’

If you’re working with someone who likes to compliment you on certain things – like, “Oh, you are so good at creating spreadsheets,” or “I don’t know how you always manage to organise the farm budget so well,” they might be genuine, or they might be trying to manipulate you so they don’t have to do these things themselves.

Women are often on the receiving end of weaponised incompetence, because we carry the majority of emotional labour in a partnership – professional, marital or otherwise. I have often found myself with the assigned task of “secretary” or “note taker” because “my hand writing is neat/I am a quick typist/I am so organised.”

At home, I remember every birthday, doctor’s appointment, dance recital, organise every party and keep the household schedule in my head at all times. Of course I’m “so organised” because if I’m not, who else is going to remember all this stuff?

It’s easy to have an emotional response when someone says you use weaponised incompetence. My husband wasn’t too thrilled.

Obviously, he works really hard. It’s a busy time of year on the farm and he’s exhausted. But I don’t think that excuses him from never remembering a birthday or never needing to organise a family get-together. It’s kind of a cop-out.

These days, I find my girl gang and I are capable of anything; I am so proud of the strong little women they are becoming.

And while my husband may appear to be the poor, long-suffering man living among all these women, he is actually really lucky to be the sole male member of our gang.

He gets dragged away on fun holidays. We bring him cups of tea and provide cuddles on the couch. There is always an interesting conversation happening around the table. We all do our bit to mind him.

The poor guy needs minding, after all, if this weaponised incompetence is to be believed. Without us, he would surely starve.

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