What do you think, Mammy – should we let him go?”

“To the Conor McGregor thing? Shur, tisn’t nothing he doesn’t know already.”

The Ultimate Fighting Championship has come to Kilsudgeon. The whole place is talking about it. They’re even having a White Collar Championship for locals as well as the professionals that are coming down.

Lads are signing up who would only have had a few scuffles outside Jumbo’s Takeaway for practice.

Even Deirdre’s husband, Seanie Tarrant, wants to give it a go, and he’d only wear a white collar for a wedding. “He’s very confident, Mammy,” says Deirdre. “He says he had plenty of practice dosing bullocks when he was growing up. I says to him, ‘And how many times did you dose the bullocks when you were inside in the crush with them?’”

Dinny Sheehan is organising it on account of there being no summer festival this year. They lost the sponsorship after the broadband crowd pulled out. No harm either. Them lads were pure chancers. “An internet motorway”, they promised. It was more like a cul-de-sac.

Anyway, Dinny is convinced this could be part of the “salvation of Kilsudgeon”. As far as he’s concerned, Kilsudgeon is all that’s wrong with rural Ireland and is dying on its feet.

He’d depress you just listening to him. Anyway, Drumfeakle is worse. At least we’ve a post office. “The future is mixed martial arts” Dinny put up on the poster. Only he spelled martial “marital”. In a way it’s nearly more accurate.

Father Donnegan has given him the parish hall, but he wants a cut of the proceedings for the church refurbishment. He’s as crafty, Father Donnegan.

He even put it into the sermon on Easter Sunday, just at the end. “Just as Jesus rose, so we have to break out of the grip that is holding us down. Speaking of which, don’t forget the Kilsudgeon Ultimate Fighting Championship on 16 April.”

He’s shameless. He knew we’d all be at that one as well. Mam says he was going on about it at the long gospel mass as well. There was a reading going on about “I gave my back to those who struck me and my cheeks to those who pulled out my beard”.

Normally there wouldn’t be any sermon, but he starts into going on about how Isaiah wouldn’t have been much good at UFC and sometimes you need to do a bit of fighting, especially if there’s a new church to be built – and you can’t be letting people tug at your beard then.

I wasn’t at that mass. I don’t go that often. That’s another story. Although if there was a priest I’d go to, ’twould be Father Donnegan. He’s very practical. Wouldn’t be too much into the letter of the law now mind. I’m surprised he wasn’t moved by the bishop. The sound lads normally get moved around in case they get too comfortable and start spreading ideas. Maybe the bishop has given up on Kilsudgeon.

Anyway, Deirdre is worried about letting young Adam go. “I don’t know, Mammy. I’m not sure if it’d be a good influence on him. I asked him why he wants to go and he says he wants to see Daddy get caught in a ‘double leg takedown’.

“I’ll have to get him off the internet, but he knows how to get around the parental controls on the iPad.

“I swear, Mammy, he’s supposed to be special needs but I’m the one who needs the extra teacher hours. He’s way ahead of me. And now he’s started talking like Conor McGregor.

“ I says to him one day to go to bed, and he says: “I cannot do that, my friend. I am my own man.”

So we’re all set for Saturday night. I have a son-in-law who wants to fight other men in the parish hall, a grandson who wants to see his father get beaten up and our priest, who’s making money off it.

It’s never boring around here, is it? CL