Farmer writes: cowboy lessons from Montana to Meath

I was never much of a fan of RTÉ’s Ear to the Ground country affairs programme but now I can dispense with it altogether. There’s quite enough agricultural interest for me and lots more besides in RTÉ’s screening of the contemporary western drama, Yellowstone.

Now for those of you who haven’t tuned in yet, I must warn you the language used in this Montana-based drama is much fruitier than you might hear from, say, Ella McSweeney interviewing a Galway farmer about their rare breed of sheep.

Yellowstone follows the fortunes of the Dutton family who raise cattle and horses on their ranch and I definitely need a good horse and lasso to round up and draw the wild cattle on the Meath plains.

But we’d also need a proper high-railed stockyard with not a pallet and twine in sight. The existing breeds of cattle are okay as we have none of those awful dairy beef animals and neither does tough cookie, Beth Dutton.

Beth takes no prisoners. She is in a bit of financial bother and held a dispersal sale of the horses and cattle, which totalled 30m bucks.

And like the roaring mart trade here for cattle at the moment, the thousand words a minute auctioneer was selling ’em fast.

But you have to look the part ringside with no business being there without a cowboy hat, boots and chaps.

Now I know some of the cowboys in Delvin Mart would wear a type of chaps and, at the very least, dealer boots but it’s not quite the same.

And they’d do quare looking if you swaggered, spurs rattling, into Gaffney’s Bar and Lounge in the village for a cool beer.

But back to cash-strapped Beth Dutton. She’s a survivor, is our Beth, and besides her brother Kayce gave her some very creative accounting ideas which will help them pull through.

In fact, if you’re being fleeced by the bank and the farm is at stake, he’d give you a few ideas that you won’t get from ifac.

Now, if you’re still using an Ifor Williams to move your stock around, especially horses, then take a lead from Yellowstone. Sell that aul Ifor Williams, posh and all as it might be, and buy a gooseneck Bloomer Trailer.

A gooseneck is articulated on the load bed of the towing pickup truck. You may already have a big Make America Great Again (MAGA) Ford Ranger Raptor which would be ideal. Only swap that tiddly four-pot engine for a proper 5l V8. Electric? Nah, drill, baby, drill.

Super trailers

Texan Randy Bloomer builds these super trailers up to about 30 feet long. There is luxurious sleeping quarters built in on the gooseneck for you and your sleeping partner (on Yellowstone they won’t bat an eyelid on who you bring).

I wouldn’t mind an overnight trip myself to Balla Mart in Mayo next autumn for a load of steers – I’d leave Mrs P in charge of the ranch.

And if our friend Michael Love was going with a stable of three-day eventers to Aachen in Germany with Mrs L and talented family, it’d be ideal.

Now I didn’t see any pigeons in Montana, but there’s an awful heap of them in Moyrath. Despite cowboy Brian and his Leitrim posse armed with enough weapons to run the outlaws outta town, the pigeons have remained and decimated our oilseed rape.

It was a foot high going into the winter, but now it’s been taken back to the scut. It’ll recover but it’ll will take loads of nitrogen, soon.

Either that or call Beth Dutton – she’d sort them out fairly quick and with a lot of cursin’.