Dear Miriam,

I am a 28-year-old woman, from a farming background, but working in agri-business. For the last year, I have been seeing a farmer in a nearby county. We actually met on a dating app and hit it off as we are from similar backgrounds, with shared interests in sports, politics etc.

Because he is more tied to his farm, I usually travel to see him at weekends. I am happy to do this, as I understand the farming lifestyle, and I enjoy spending time there with him. He has his own house, so it’s not awkward staying over with his parents etc. He has come up to stay with me once or twice, but it’s usually me doing the driving. But, like I say, that’s not really a problem.

However, there are a few things that have bothered me recently. The first was regarding my friend’s wedding this spring. My friend knows that I have been seeing this guy, so naturally, she gave me a ‘plus one’ on the invitation. However, he was very reluctant to commit to going. He said things would still be busy on the farm, that he would not know anybody there, that I would have a better time with my friends etc. I was very disappointed, but I didn’t want to push it, so I left it off.

A few weeks later, I asked if he would be interested in going on holidays this summer, or even on a city break if it was hard to get away from the farm. Again, there were all sorts of excuses such as I’d have a better time with my own friends, he is not really into travelling etc.

Miriam, I’m not a demanding person. I enjoy the simple things in life. But surely it’s not unreasonable to expect that the person you have been seeing for a year would go to a wedding or on holidays with you?

A friend of mine says that I’m in a “situationship”. This was a new one for me. Apparently, this means that it’s a romantic relationship, but that it lacks commitment. To be fair, I don’t think he is seeing anybody else: I would be out the door if so. But I do feel that he is reluctant to take things a bit more seriously. If he won’t go to a wedding or on holiday, how can I expect that he will ever be interested in moving in together, or getting married, or having a family? I’m not expecting any of these things right now; but it’s what I would like in the future.

Miriam, do you think that my friend is right? Am I wasting my time, or is this relationship still worth pursuing?

Confused, Munster

Can I ask you a few questions? Have you met his family or friends? Does he plan thoughtful things for you when you do visit? Does he refer to you as his “girlfriend” or “partner”? Has he talked about a future together in any sense?

Dear Confused,

Thank you for your email. I’m not sure if this is a “situationship”; that’s a new term for me too. But I would say that this

relationship is definitely lopsided.

I appreciate that you enjoy this man’s company and you are happy to travel to spend time with him given his ties to the farm. I’m quite sure that he is very happy with the current situation too. Why wouldn’t he be? But a relationship requires time and effort from both parties. I would think that accompanying you to a wedding or planning a mini break would be the bare minimum in terms of expectations after a year together. It’s little wonder that you are disappointed.

Can I ask you a few questions? Have you met his family or friends? Does he plan thoughtful things for you when you do visit? Does he refer to you as his “girlfriend” or “partner”? Has he talked about a future together in any sense? I’m not posing these questions to upset you, but to encourage you to reflect more broadly on the actual effort that he is or is not putting into the relationship.

My gut feeling is that you deserve so much better. Of course, maybe if he understands that you are upset, he will take get his act together and make more of an effort. But this is crunch time and I think it’s important that you explain how you feel right now. I know that it’s not easy; but imagine finding yourself in the same situation three or five years down the line? Don’t sell yourself short.