Dear Miriam: ‘I don’t want to attend my friend'’s hen party’

Dear Miriam,

A friend of mine is getting married this summer and the hen is coming up in a few weeks.

There’s an outdoor activity during the day and then drinks, dinner and an overnight in a hotel – the usual.

I try to stay as safe as possible for her as I call to her regularly, do her shopping etc

In the “old days” I would have been really looking forward to it, but even though most of the COVID restrictions are gone now, I’m really not comfortable in larger, social settings as my mother is immunocompromised and I try to stay as safe as possible for her as I call to her regularly, do her shopping etc.

A few drinks in, I’m pretty sure any social distancing will also be out the window

I also don’t want to let my friend down as she has always been very good to me but it’s going to be quite a big group in a town that is always busy with hens and stags. A few drinks in, I’m pretty sure any social distancing will also be out the window.

What do you think I should do?

Stressed Friend

Dear Stressed Friend,

Thanks for your email.

I know that you are afraid of letting down your friend by not going to the hen but I would hope that if she is a good pal then she would understand

I think as restrictions lift and we all try to get used to “living with” COVID, there has to be greater understanding – and respect – for the fact that every person will need to take this at their own pace.

I know that you are afraid of letting down your friend by not going to the hen but I would hope that if she is a good pal then she would understand that you need to think of your mother, weigh up the risks and make your decision accordingly.

[...] why not arrange to do something special with your friend another time, like a nice lunch or spa treat

Perhaps you might be comfortable attending the outdoor activity section of the hen? If not though, and that is understandable too, why not arrange to do something special with your friend another time, like a nice lunch or spa treat or whatever you feel comfortable with. That way you still get to make a fuss of her and spend some quality one-on-one time together before the big day.

I hope this helps.

Hi Miriam,

I would like to respond to a recent letter, “I don’t want a life devoid of romance”.

In the film Finding Forrester, the lead character, William Forrester, played by Sean Connery, tells a teenage boy, Jamal, who is in love with a girl: “The way to a woman’s heart is an unexpected gift at an unexpected time.”

For her to even have to explain how much such gestures, unexpected or not, mean to her, takes the whole good out of the exercise

From what Jennifer says in her letter, it is unlikely that her fiancé would understand this advice.

He is insensitive to, and unthinking of her needs; tragic flaws in the universal game of courtship and romance. For her to even have to explain how much such gestures, unexpected or not, mean to her, takes the whole good out of the exercise.

It is more than likely that, in time, his failure in this department will, as you said, “fester” and become an insufferable source of disappointment, resentment and hostility in the relationship.

I would advise her to write down her feelings on the issue, telling him what she needs if the relationship is to go forward and blossom

I am with you, Miriam, in your advice to Jennifer, to communicate with her man. However, rather than talk to him, I would advise her to write down her feelings on the issue, telling him what she needs if the relationship is to go forward and blossom. She should then present this to him, give him a month by himself to consider what she has written, and request that he then writes down his response.

If he doesn’t understand where she is coming from and/or does not want to reach out to meet her (very understandable and reasonable) needs, then the writing may well be on the wall with the red flag flying.

For Jennifer, she has arrived at a crossroads, and her fiancé’s response will direct her in which direction to take

All Jennifer is asking for are signs that she is loved and cherished. I assume this cuts both ways for men and women but certainly it’s something that all men should be aware of, not just in the initial stages of the relationship but throughout their time with the woman they love. For Jennifer, she has arrived at a crossroads, and her fiancé’s response will direct her in which direction to take.

I wish her many, many loving gifts, unexpected or not, in her life. She deserves nothing less.

Claire

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I don’t want a life devoid of romance

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