Dear Miriam: am I selfish by wanting my daughter to keep in touch more?

Last year, my youngest daughter moved to Australia with her boyfriend. My daughter was itching to get away – there wasn’t enough going on where we live out in the countryside and she couldn’t afford to move out. They love it in Australia, and they seem to have a great lifestyle.

My husband and I are delighted that she’s having so much fun, but what makes me sad is that she doesn’t keep in touch more regularly. We receive some pictures in the family WhatsApp group every few weeks and a voice note here or there, but that’s about it. I used to send messages daily and try to schedule calls with her, but I don’t want to smother her.

I tell her how much I miss her and how much I like to get her updates and when she’s on the phone, she always says she’ll try to call more – but nearly a year later, I don’t hold my breath. I don’t resent her going or the fun she’s having, and I understand living in different time zones makes staying in touch more difficult, but it’s getting me down more and more.

They didn’t come home at Christmas and we will not be flying out anytime soon as it’s far too expensive, so I suppose I just feel a bit flat. My husband is supportive but it doesn’t bother him as much and I’m beginning to wonder if I’m being selfish or expecting too much from my daughter. Should I just back off and let her get on with her life?

– Helen, Co Cork

Dear reader,

Thank you for sharing your story. It is great to hear that your daughter and her boyfriend are thriving in Australia. You and your husband must be feeling proud and happy that they have settled, but this does not take away from the sadness and loneliness you are experiencing.

What you are feeling is completely normal and you are certainly not being selfish. It is a big change when a child moves away, especially when they’ve been living with you and are a big part of your life.

It sounds like your daughter is swept away in the busyness of life and that her inability to keep in touch is not intentional. Perhaps you could speak to her and find a specific day and time to catch up – maybe monthly or even fortnightly, and schedule it in advance. You could suggest group calls involving your husband and her boyfriend, depending on what works.

You might try also sharing your life updates in the WhatsApp group or through voice notes to prompt her to share more. Flights to Australia are expensive but could you start putting away some money every month for a visit?

Finally, on a personal level, it is important for you to find ways to nurture your own happiness and fill the void that your daughter has left. You might think about exploring a new hobby, spending more time with friends, or joining a local group to connect with other parents who share your experience.

You’re not alone in feeling this way and it is okay to miss your daughter.

Remember that it is your love and support as a mother that enabled her to fly the nest and flourish.

Do you have a problem you would like to share? If so, write in confidence to: Dear Miriam, Agony Aunt, Irish Country Living, Irish Farmers Journal, Irish Farm Centre, Bluebell, Dublin 12, or email miriam@farmersjournal.ie